also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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