I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
