Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
