I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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