Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
