I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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