we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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