I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
