So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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