Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
