you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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