Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
