Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
