Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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