Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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