My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
