What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
