You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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