Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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