I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
