Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
