God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Terrible idea I love it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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