Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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