It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
