I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
