My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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