also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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