I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
