stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
