She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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