It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
