Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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