Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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