I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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