Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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