i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Terrible idea I love it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
