one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
