guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
vagina is talking i cant
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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