i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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