You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
