mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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