The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
