I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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