Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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