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moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
