What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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