You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
