The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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