Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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