My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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