i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
