Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize