I faked an abortion last night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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