I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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