I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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