Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
