First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
