I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
